Every once in a while, you’ll get out of bed on the wrong foot and it will just ruin your entire day. From cold, rainy Monday mornings when you don’t feel like going to work to seeing that you’ve gained an extra two pounds on the scale, starting the day in a bad mood is sometimes inevitable. It happens to the best of us. The easiest thing to do may seem like drooling on the pillow, procrastinating under the blankets, thinking about all the mistakes you’ve done in your life to dwell you down even more, but you just have to deal with it and pick yourself up. No excuses!
Start off by setting your mind towards a positive mental state. Watch a funny video or read a couple of hilarious jokes online. Humor and laughter are a great way to deal with your blues and chase them away, as they help produce endorphin – the “happy hormone” that will instantly make you feel better about yourself. Remember, the day will turn out to be as bad as you make it. Here are our favorite funny jokes to help change your whole perspective on it and force you to share at least a smirk.
1.
Why didn’t Cinderella make the football team?
She kept running away from the ball.
2.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was out-standing in his field.
3.
Signs it’s a bad day:
– You wake up on a pavement.
– You can’t find the clothes you wore home from the party.
– Your twin forgets your birthday.
– You wake up to discover your waterbed broke, and then remember you don’t have a waterbed.
– You wake up with your mouth guard stuck, and then remember you don’t wear a mouth guard.
– Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
– You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
– Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.
4.
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear, and she can’t find her pencil.
5.
What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.
6.
What would the U.S. be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation!
7.
What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.
8.
If you’re gonna see a play about slavery, it’s important that you watch it with your white friends because you know they’re gonna pick up dinner that night.
9.
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.
10.
It’s 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him
that they’ll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”
“Oh yes,” he replies. “Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her and screams, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”
11.
A cheap tourist in a Mexican town known for prostitution picks up a hooker.
After paying her, he drives off, shouting back, “El dollar, counterfeito!”
The prostitute smiles and shouts back, “El syphilis, originale!”
12.
A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.
The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
“That’s OK,” says the blonde. “Why don’t you check it and forward me what I got?”
13.
Why did the boy wear a belt on his teeth?
He couldn’t find his braces.
14.
Three men, a Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ”God save Scotland!” The English man jumped off and shouted ”God Save England!” The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ”God save the person I land on!”
15.
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: “Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t fail me in bed.”
The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.
“Hello, I saw your ad in the paper,” he says.
“Tell me a little about you.”
“Well, I have no arms, so I can’t hit you. I have no legs, so I can’t run out on you,” he replies.
“How do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
He says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
16.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”
17.
While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes.
“Wow! What a great idea,” he thinks to himself and buys three of them.
Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.
18.
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of
sex education and asked her students if they’d ever seen anything that
was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having
babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that’s very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show
about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said
the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some
Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The
teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn’t have anything to do
with sex education.”
“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”
19.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
20.
What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager.
source: http://www.trendhunter.com.au/short-jokes-are-taking-the-world-by-storm/